i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
