i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
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If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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