I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
