I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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