just survived the first fart of the relationship.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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