her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
