I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
