I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
