ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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