ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
