I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
