cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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