I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My room smells like vodka and shame
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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