I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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