my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
