roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
