i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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