I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
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I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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