Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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