Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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