If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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