Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
