i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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