Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
