if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
