I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
