I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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