dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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