i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
