On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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