Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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