Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
