You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
