Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
