The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
