How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
