If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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