Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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