If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
