I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
