Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
