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I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
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