I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize