Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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