Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
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so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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