So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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