Apparently you make a good broom.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
