I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
