Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
