Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
