somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
