If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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