i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
