Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
