How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
