and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
