The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
