That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
