he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
