Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
