my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
