what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
